


Guilt

by Ghost_Writing



Series: It Started With Cadet Training [3]
Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, Amputation, Amputee Mike Zacharias, Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Battle, Blood and Gore, Comfort/Angst, F/M, Gen, Gender-Neutral Pronouns, Guilt, Hurt, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Medical, Medical Inaccuracies, Medical Procedures, Medical Trauma, Mike Zacharias Needs A Hug, Mild Gore, Minor Character Death, Multi, Other, Series, Slow Burn, Someone Hug Mike, rated for a reason
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-04
Updated: 2021-02-04
Packaged: 2021-03-15 12:07:00
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,165
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29189031
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ghost_Writing/pseuds/Ghost_Writing
Summary: ”Hold my hand. You’re going to be fine.”The words rang through your ears like the roar of a titan. You said them to force both yourself and him to believe you. It wasn’t working.Your first mission outside the walls started out amazing... unfortunately the world had other plans.Read "Coward" first! There's an order to the series
Relationships: Erwin Smith/Reader, Hange Zoë/Reader, Levi Ackerman & Erwin Smith & Mike Zacharias & Hange Zoë, Levi Ackerman/Erwin Smith/Mike Zacharias/Hange Zoë, Levi Ackerman/Erwin Smith/Mike Zacharias/Hange Zoë/Original Character(s), Levi Ackerman/Erwin Smith/Mike Zacharias/Hange Zoë/Reader, Levi Ackerman/Reader, Mike Zacharias/Reader
Series: It Started With Cadet Training [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2141619
Kudos: 41





	Guilt

**Author's Note:**

> For obvious reasons, everyone's at least 18.

_”Hold my hand. You’re going to be fine.”_

_The words rang through your ears like the roar of a titan. You said them to force both yourself and him to believe you. It wasn’t working._

* * *

“Listen up recruits! It’s your first day out in the field! We’re glad to see you in our ranks, but do remember that titans are dangerous and protecting yourself is of the utmost importance…” the Commander started to drone on as you zoned out. You were well aware of the importance of keeping safe, so instead your sight drifted to your squad.

Next to you was Hange, Erwin, Mike, and Levi, in front of you was your Captain. Your captain hadn’t said much to any of you apart from drills, they always stared a few meters ahead while giving orders, keeping their distance as if they’d see a ghost. Each time you saw them, you made a silent vow to never turn out like them.

Mike walked next to you as you went out to the horses, giving you a playful shove so you’d stumble just a bit. Your entire shoulder lights up in sparks as you smile from the simple contact.

“Don’t go dyin’ on us out there, Cap-(Y/N),” he chuckles, beaming down at you. They’d started calling you Cap-(Y/N). Not that you’d earned the title, you’d yet to be on an actual mission.

“Same to you, I’m not sure Levi could take it,” you return, sending a teasing look back at Levi who simply grumbled something about being quiet and looked away.

Mounting your horse, you carefully trotted out of the city towards the gates. People gathered in the streets around you, gazing up in awe as you followed after your Captian out into the field. You silently signed a “stay safe” to your squad as you left the gates.

Your breath was immediately swept away when you were hit by the rush of clean air. The outside world, even a few feet from the wall, sounded of chirping birds and smelt of morning dew. Even over top of the horses. 

With wide eyes, you looked around while your horse raced off after your Captain. Careful to not break formation, you looked over at Erwin next to you. You hadn’t really spoken to him since that night, yet he always regarded you with a ‘good morning’ or a nod whenever you two were nearby.

“Erwin, we’re really out here,” you call over to him, as quietly as you can.

“Where’s your ‘talking will get us killed’ attitude now?” he chuckles, smiling over at you. You feel your heart flutter in your chest from the smile.

“Can’t we just enjoy our first moments?” you ask, leaning back a little on your horse and staring up at the sky.  
You’re granted three hours of peace and quiet before your eyes go wide at the red flare in the sky.

“CAPTAIN! TITAN SPOTTED TO THE NORTHWEST!!!” you call frantically to your captain a few feet ahead.

“SIGNAL IT!” they shout back to you, their words snapping at the edges.

Frantically you dig through your bag and fire off a red flare to alert the other squads. Only to notice another flare to the northeast.

“CAPTAIN THERE’S SOME TO THE EAST TOO!!”

“PREPARE FOR THE WORST!” is all they offer back to you as you groan.

Seeing the hopelessness of your Captain, you signal to your squad, a few directions in preparation for a fight. Levi shifted to be in the middle, Hange flanking his side with Erwin, as you loaded your ODM gear.

The Titans first appeared out of the north-west. Their massive lumbering frames were nothing compared to the training courses. Yet, you had no choice but to fight them. In fact, their distorted and mutated faces only made you want to fight them more.

With moving targets, it’s harder than the training courses you’re used to. However, a quick succession of teamwork with the other squads and your own brings the north-west titans to their knees. As the flares to the east get closer and closer.

“How haven’t they taken them down yet!?” you shout, cocking your own red flare to the sky.

You get your answer in the form of a massive titan horde.

It’s nearly overwhelming as you’re swarmed. There’s a trail of dead bodies- titan and human alike- as they chase up to you. Fear settles into your stomach as you try your hardest to take down as many as you can, but with your tiny squad and your Captain not giving any orders, you’re overwhelmed.

Then there’s a blood-curdling scream and you turn to see Hange watching a titan scoop up the captain. None of you are close enough to save them and to your horror, they’re consumed.

Your emotions go numb as you hack through titans, unsure of what to feel. However, it seems that the whole ordeal has thrown your squad into a state of shock apart from Levi who’s still hacking into titans. You barely knew them, yet even you felt numb.

There was nothing in the world that would pull you out of that headspace until you were down to the last few titans and another blood-curdling scream was heard. Deeper this time and your head whipped around to see Mike in a titan’s hand two titans away from you.

Fear bubbled up in your chest as you shot across the field, slaying the two you pass, to get to Mike. It feels as if time itself is slowing down as you watch him picked up and drawn to the titan’s mouth. 

Your heart hammers in your chest as you lay into the titan, Levi coming up next to you and finishing it off. The titan tips over slowly, its hand coming down, still grasped around Mike. In an instant, you forget about the world around you and shoot down to grab him.

It’s too close, far too close for your comfort as you snatch him out of the titan’s hand and fly off towards the carts that are already gathering people in order to head back to the city. Your mission couldn’t be complete with this many losses. 

As you land on the cart, you watch your first sunset starting on the horizon. Tears prick your eyes as you can’t enjoy the brilliant sight unhindered by the wall, your attention focused solely on Mike.

The scouts were all trained in medical care, something you’d been given early thanks to your parents. It was mostly due to underfunding that they didn’t have proper medical staff, which left it up to the scouts themselves.

Your heart raced as you laid him out on the cart, searching for any sign of life. A quick finger on the pulse point showed you he was still alive, at least his head was beating. Thank the gods, his heart is still beating.

“Mike, I don’t know if you can hear me, but I need to take a look so pardon the shower etiquette,” you joke, trying to ease the tension hanging heavy over you.

You get a raspy chuckle from the normally cheerful man.  
“How bold of you Cap, didn’t realize you felt that way.”

You roll your eyes, despite the heat spreading through your cheeks as you cut off his shirt to check for damages, making sure not to rip the jacket or cape. There are massive purple and black bruises, mixed with yellow and blue across his ribs and chest. You shouldn’t find this attractive, but for a split second, that’s all you can think of. Until you notice the blood pouring into the cart.

“Blood…?” you whisper to yourself as you search for where it would be coming from. When your eyes look down to further assess the damage you can’t help the gasp that escapes your lips.

“(Y/N)? How bad is it?” Mike rasps, catching your attention as you look over to him, giving him a weak, trembling smile.

“Don’t worry, you’re fine. The titan’s barely nicked you,” you try and convince him, the bile building up in your throat as you dig through the medical bag for a tourniquet. 

He rests a hand on your shoulder, wincing at the pain that shoots through his ribs.  
“Cap, I can’t feel my leg. How bad is it?” he asks again, forcing tears to well up in the corners of your eyes.

Thankfully, your saving grace is Hange landing down next to you as the carriage takes off running back to the wall. They place a hand on your shoulder, giving you a nod with a blank expression painted across their face.

“Erwin and Levi?” you whisper to them as they sit near Mike’s head.

“We’re here brat, just focus on Mike,” Levi orders from the horse riding next to the carriage. Looking up you see him and Erwin flanking the cart. 

A breath you hadn’t realized you were holding in leaves your lungs as you position yourself across Mike’s leg. 

“Mike, this is going to hurt,” you say, looking him in the eyes. He stares back at you, nodding his head slowly.

“Am I going to die?” he whispers quietly, his eyes wide with eyebrows furrowed together. There are small tears in the corners of his eyes, threatening to spill down his cheeks.

”Hold my hand. You’re going to be fine,” Hange interjects, saving you from the pang in your chest and giving you time to pull back his shredded pant leg from his skin.

The words rang through your ears like the roar of a titan. You said them to force both yourself and him to believe you. It wasn’t working.

It’s worse than you first thought, jagged and rough. There’s no saving it from infection with what you have unless you removed the part with a sterile blade. Moving your hand down, you check your own blades, coming up empty. You’re out.

“Erwin, do you have a spare blade?” you sign to him, hoping that Hange keeps Mike distracted.

“You’re going to need someone to hold him down,” he signs back.

“Can you?”

“Hange, switch out with me,” Erwin barks, giving you a curt nod. You watch as your squad pulls Erwin’s horse up to the side of the cart so that he can pull Hange into his lap, and then pull himself into the cart thanks to your hand. 

Casually, he sits down one of his blades next to you as he settles across Mike’s chest. For your sanity, he faces Mike.

Clicking the blade into place, you set your hand down on Mike’s remaining thigh.  
“Mike, take a deep breath for me. Okay?”

“W-what?” Mike squeaks, his normally calm resolve replaced with a wavering, unchecked fear.

You don’t answer him, taking too long can make it worse. The blade cuts through his skin easier than it does titan, even the bone is easy to slice. Your hands start to shake when another blood-curdling scream cuts through the air. It’s more pained than before as Mike bucks under Erwin, smashing his damaged ribs against him. 

You fight your shaking hands as you discard the blade and the removed flesh. This is your fault. If you hadn’t dragged him into this he wouldn’t be here. He’d be safe and whole. Not missing a leg.

Silently, you stare at Mike’s bleeding leg, trying to reclaim yourself from the tears stinging your eye. A heavy thud and someone lands down beside you, turning your head your hands are caught by the steady, cold hands of Levi.

“He’s alive because of you. Now finish your job,” he orders, passing you the bandages as he sits next to you.

You gulp, nodding your head as you focus on wrapping the stump so that the bleeding would stop. Eventually, Mike quiets down to whimpers as you finish wrapping his leg. Levi sits next to you the whole time, carefully handing you more bandages when you need them. 

“Erwin,” you start, placing your hand on his shoulder, “Can you sit him up so we can do his chest?”

Erwin looks back to you solemnly, nodding his head as he shifts off of Mike’s torso. You’re quick to straddle his lap as he’s made to sit up. The tear-streaked face looking down at you as he slumps against Erwin’s chest.

Quietly, you rest a hand on the side of his face. His eyes move to meet your gaze as he leans forwards and rests his forehead against yours.

“I didn’t mean for this to happen… I’m sorry, I- you’re here because of me,” you whisper, tears pooling in the corners of your eyes as you look up at him.

“I’d walk through Hell if you asked me too,” he mumbles back, his own hand coming up to rest against the side of your face.

“Keep your promise to me. L-Levi can’t take losing you,” you sniffle, rubbing your eyes with the back of your hand.

“Keep holding me as you are now and I’ll never leave,” he chuckles as the cart goes over a bump in the road. The sudden jostle causes him to double over and clutching his ribs.

You’re too stunned for words as your brain tries to process the comment. Someone taps you on the shoulder and you turn to see Levi sitting awfully close for someone who doesn’t like physical contact, holding a roll of bandages out to you.

“Thanks,” is all you can manage out as you take the bandages. Erwin assists by holding Mike enough to wrap his torso, earning a groan in protest.  
“Come on Mike, you heard the Captain. No falling asleep,” Hange orders from the side of the cart, causing the man to startle a bit and blink down at you.

“Er- yeah sorry, Cap,” he mumbles awkwardly, watching you as your hands wrap around his torso, carefully laying down the bandages across his chest. 

“It’s alright, just don’t fall asleep on me,” you hum, making your way up to his torso as your finger tips brush against Erwin every once and a while. 

Guilt hangs heavily over your head as a small whisper creeps into your mind, poisoning your tormenting thoughts into a fluttering heartbeat and dusted cheeks. A horrifying reality dawns upon you, that this is far closer than friends were. You passed friends a while ago in training, this was close-friends at best, yet your mind kept drifting to more than friends. The moment under the stars with Erwin, the small ideas while Mike was sleeping, how well you and Levi got along, and the constant genius of Hange.

Your heart was pounding in your chest by the time you finished bandaging up Mike’s torso. In the distance you saw the gates to wall Maria, you’d be home soon. You’d be back in the barracks soon.

Yet you were pulled against Mike’s chest as he laid back down, a hand on your shoulders. Out of the corner of your eye, you watched Erwin snag Levi in until it was the three of you curled up on Erwin. Care to not injure Mike more, you laid your head on his pec, a hand resting gently on his arm.

The five of you finally watched the sunset as you road back to the barracks.

“It’s gorgeous,” you whispered, the guilt starting to subside as Mike combed his hand through your hair.

“I can think of very few things that rival its beauty,” Erwin hums, his hand on Levi’s back.

“Rival? It’s barely even a contest, the sunset would lose,” Mike scoffs, groaning at the chuckle that leaves his lips happily but his ribs in pain.

“You two are terrible,” Levi grumbles, yet you don’t miss the smile that’s crept onto even his lips.

You barely registered the murmurs of the city as the cart road through the streets. It was as if you were watching the sunset and none of the others in the world mattered. You’d expected it to take longer but it felt like minutes by the time you reached the barracks. Despite the stars hanging heavily in the sky above.

When the cart pulls up to the barracks, the Commander is there to instruct you.

“Get him down and to the medical room,” he orders.

You nod your head, clambering down with Levi as Erwin carries Mike out of the cart.

“You don’t have to carry me, (Y/N) patched me up good,” he protests as Erwin steps onto the ground.

“Mike, don’t try and be the hero here. Just let him carry you,” Hange lectures, coming over to the group of you.

He sighs as the four of you walk towards the medical room. It was indeed just a room with a few beds that soldiers could heal in. Levi and Hange got to work out of view as you set Mike down on the bed with Levi.

You fluffed the pillow behind his head, earning a chuckle from the larger man. You rolled your eyes, faking a smile as you went to walk off to one of the chairs Levi had dragged over. Something caught on your wrist, pulling you back around.

“Stay with me?” Mike pouts, sticking out his bottom lip and folding his eyebrows in a pout.

“I wasn’t going far, Levi brought over chairs,” you explain, gesturing to Erwin, Hange, and Levi who were already sitting down.

He just continues to pout at you, adding to the confusion fogging around your head as you stare down at him.

“Mike, use your words,” you sigh, remaining next to him as he holds your wrist.

A tug on your wrist pulls you down to the bed, his arms wrapped around your neck as he buries his head in the crook of your neck. You stand there frozen in place as someone chuckles behind you.

“Didn’t realize you were the cuddly type, Mike,” Hange observes between giggles.

He glares over your shoulder at Hange.  
“I nearly died, cut me some slack. (Y/N) just happened to be the closest.”

Hange doesn’t respond, simply continuing to giggle as you admit defeat.

“This is highly unprofessional,” you grumble, putting a leg around Mike’s waist and settling down to the bed. “Is this what you wanted, puppy-dog?”

Mike nods his head, keeping his face buried in your neck, his arms now around your shoulders as he snuggles as close as his ribs will allow him. You’re about to protest that you can’t stay there when Erwin pulls his chair close on your other side, folding his arms across his chest and settling down quiet. 

Levi pulls his chair up on your side with Hange, the latter curling up with their head in their arms resting on the bed by Mike’s missing leg. 

Soft snores follow them not long after, leaving you to curl up close to Mike and drift into restless sleep alone. At least you had your squad around you.

**Author's Note:**

> There's no proof that Mike isn't an amputee. We've never actually seen their amputation tech apart from Erwin's arm. Mike is missing his right leg.


End file.
